By Benjamin Woodard, DNP, NP-C, Grace Cottage Emergency Department
As a medical clinician, June (Men’s Mental Health Month) got me thinking a lot about what I share with the men in my life.
We likely all have people in our lives who have been socialized to avoid talking about “that touchy-feely stuff.” I can think of a few local fellas who are fine sharing their thoughts, but who freeze right up when asked about their “feelings” on a matter.
“I wish I had known he was struggling. Why didn’t he reach out or call? I wish he knew I was there for him.”
These are some of the things I have heard from family, community members, and neighbors when they discover someone in their lives has been struggling with mental illness, substance abuse, loss, grief, or just life-showing-up.
According to the CDC, suicide rates are four times higher for men than for women, and it’s the leading cause of death for males under age 50.
Social isolation and loneliness affect men disproportionately nationwide, and its toll has been consistently measurable in health disparity data, with higher rates of mental illness, suicide, violence, chronic disease, and substance use disorders. A report in the March 2015 issue of Perspectives on Psychological Science showed that men who experience social isolation and loneliness have a 29-32% higher risk of earlier death!
These trends only worsen the more rural the area, according to a study published in the October 2021 issue of the American Journal of Public Health.
But curiously, social isolation alone is not the key predictor. One study, published in 2012 in Psychological Medicine, found that men who were socially isolated but did NOT experience loneliness did NOT suffer from increases in chronic disease or earlier death.
It’s not that men struggle more. Men and women report similar rates of stress, grief, loss, and struggle, but men tend to have worse health and mental health outcomes. This toll is consistently measurable: substance use disorders, mental illness, violence, suicide, and other data tell us that this isn’t just the effect of testosterone; it’s a bigger problem fueled in part by social isolation AND loneliness.
So what gets in the way? Why don’t men talk, reach out, and connect during tough times? Well…it’s complicated, but there are some consistent themes.
Vivek Murthy, our recent Surgeon General, led the charge to highlight the epidemic of loneliness. He identified three types of loneliness: intimate, relational, and collective. When we lack intimate connections, having no close confidants or partners with whom to share the daily ups and downs, we don’t tend to reach out to others. Remote work, phone addiction, and reliance on social media don’t help us create real social circles of support with whom we can build resiliency. And of course, with rural isolation it can be harder to feel collective belonging and a place in a larger community with purpose.
Much of the data suggests that men are expected to seek support from their romantic relationships, turning more to their spouses than friends or family, and if not they do not have a partner, they are less likely to reach out to anyone, according to a January 2025 report from the Pew Research Center.
If lacking friend groups, reaching out can prove even more difficult. Likewise, social activities that are more accepted by men may involve higher risk behaviors and are more likely to involve alcohol.
Even in progressive circles, men are still barraged with narratives about the importance of autonomy, individual self-reliance, stoicism, aggression, and expectations of steadfastness as measures not just of gender, but also of personal and societal value. While many may joke about these stereotypes, the risk of being perceived as anything less can spell serious threat to some men’s social position, friendships, relationships, and even jobs.
When these are amplified by the poisonous microscope of homophobia, transphobia, and bullying, this can be life-threatening, causing the rates of substance abuse and suicide to more than double.
So how do we help?
Curing social isolation and loneliness doesn’t have to involve calling, texting, or even talking. While it is a wild generalization, it is often said that while women talk about feelings, men “do.” Instead of calling, texting or “talking” about their feelings, men might consider “doing.” Offer a project you need help with, a goal you want to share with someone, or an activity. Thinking creatively about social engagement is key. Activity groups, gyms, coffee dates, meet ups, activism, music, men’s groups, fix-it circles, shop memberships, tool libraries, craft groups, and work trades are all ways to show up.
Thinking back to a stoic friend or relative, it’s important to open the door to talking: let him know you’re willing and available. And show up. Be consistent. Who knows, while working on that project or taking that walk, he might open up, but even if he doesn’t talk, he’ll certainly know your time means you care, and hopefully, he will feel less alone in his struggles.
If you or someone you love is struggling with self-harm or thoughts of suicide, please call or text 988.
